


reach for my hand, cause it's held out for you

by nuka_cola_quantum



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Best Mom Missy Preston, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Slow Burn, i guess HJKDSHGJ, mentions of Captain Logan's A+ Parenting, this was not intended to be chaptered but here we are JHSKDHGJ, very shocked thts not a tag, yes liz quotes the bi manifesto and thats bc SHES bi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27289807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuka_cola_quantum/pseuds/nuka_cola_quantum
Summary: Carefully, Missy finally pulls back but lets her hand linger on Bill's. “Is this why you’ve been pretending to be sick?” she asks quietly. “I figured you were mad at him or something like that.”“I am sick,” Bill retorts, drawing back into himself. He can see her about to speak but he cuts her off. “I am,” he says, laying down roughly. His eyebrows draw together angrily as he glares at the ceiling. “Sick in the head. Dudes aren't supposed to wanna be with other dudes. That’s what babes are for.” He feels something in him shudder at the words and tries to repeat them to himself mentally until he can make them sound okay.“Bill.” He doesn't move. Missy huffs. “William Stanley Preston, Esquire, you listen to me right now,” she says sternly. He's never heard her use his full name before, and the shock of that alone makes him sit upright immediately. “Loving someone is something that comes naturally,” she tells him. “It’s not your fault, and it isn't wrong.”
Relationships: Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq., past Elizabeth/Ted "Theodore" Logan, past Joanna/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 96





	reach for my hand, cause it's held out for you

**Author's Note:**

> i hadnt originally intended for this to be a chaptered fic but i already hit 9k so I figured maybe I should divide it up KJSDHGJSKDH 
> 
> this is set a couple of months post excellent adventure so im picturing them as 17ish and jo and liz as 18
> 
> title is from lemonade mouth's "more than a band" bc that is a wyld stallyns song and u cant convince me otherwise.

_ The clashing of metal echoes in the hallway. The swords they're using as lightsabers bang and rattle when they knock into each other. Nothing feels better than dicking around with your best friend, Bill thinks. _

_ The two stop for a moment before Ted says, “Hey Bill… you totally know how to sword fight!” Bill laughs and Ted laughs and Bill lets out a roar before charging at the taller boy, intent on continuing their lightsaber battle. The helmets make it hard to see, but he can tell the moment Ted loses his footing and begins to fall. _

_ Bill reaches for him, but the limited vision leaves him grasping at air as Ted falls fully back and starts clanking down the stairs. Bill rips the stupid helmet off as he runs after him, calling the other boy’s name. By the time he rounds the final corner of the spiral staircase, Ted’s laying on the ground floor, his own helmet gone, lost in the fall. _

_ Bill starts down the stairs, but Ted’s eyes go wild with fright as someone moves to stand over him. Bill wants to move, wants to help, wants to do  _ **_something_ ** _. All he can do is watch as a sword plunges deep into Ted’s chest. Ted makes a small sound full of pain and then falls silent.  _

_ “Ted…” Bill feels like his heart is breaking, like he can’t breathe. He suddenly feels like  _ **_he’s_ ** _ been stabbed in the chest. His heart aches even more as he desperately wishes it could've been him instead.  _

_ He barely hears the order that the guard gives, barely sees anything other than Ted laying there. A guard suddenly blocks his view of his best friend, and his higher brain power kicks back in long enough to get himself hidden. As soon as the guard passes, he bounds back down the stairs as quickly as the armor will let him.  _

_ Whispering fills the air immediately. Bill looks up, startled. He’d been so caught up in Ted’s lifeless face, he almost completely missed the kitchen maids fluttering over his friend. He feels a deep, ugly rage build up in his chest. How could they have just stood there and watched? How could they have let him die? _

_ He scares himself when he screams “Get out of here!” at the women. They rush off immediately, and Bill promptly forgets about them. _

_ “Bogus,” he hears himself say. “Heinous. Most non-triumphant.” He kneels at his best friend’s side and takes in his pale, motionless face. “Aw, Ted. Don't be dead, dude.” Ted doesn't answer of course. From his place at Ted’s side, Bill can see blood covering the area where his armor doesn't. He feels sick. His heart has moved past broken; Ted’s death is like an atomic blast and his heart disintegrates like the fake houses they put up in the test zones.  _

_ He can feel the tears overflowing from his eyes, and he does his best to adjust the taller boy until he’s holding Ted in his arms. ‘Please don't leave me, dude,’ he thinks as he leans his forehead against Ted’s. ‘I love you, dude,’ he thinks as his lips press down on Ted’s cold, unmoving ones. _

Bill shoots up from bed, feeling panicky. He feels disoriented, wondering where he is, why he can’t feel Ted in his arms anymore. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and then a few seconds longer to remember where he is. The blanket that had been covering him had slipped to the floor at some point, but besides that his bedroom looked the way it always did. 

And yet. 

Bill puts a hand over his still rapidly beating heart and tries to force it to relax. Looking around the room makes him feel off-kilter, like everything had been moved a couple of inches to the left when he wasn't looking. He wishes Ted was there so he could just reaffirm that the other boy was still alive. Thinking about Ted leads him to replay his nightmare again. It could've happened just like that in real life, all because of him dicking around. He thinks about Ted’s dead body again: the way he’d never seen the other boy so still, how pale he’d looked, how Bill had kissed him, how—

_ Oh, god _ , Bill thinks.

“Bogus,” he says out loud. 

He leans back against the headboard and covers his face with his hands. He feels like he's gonna throw up. He feels like he's gonna cry. Why did he kiss Ted in his dream? Why did he like it? Does that mean he's a — 

He chokes on a sob that desperately tries to worm out into the dark curtain of night. The tears start falling and won't stop. He frantically shoves his head into the pillow in case he gets too loud. Waking up his dad or Missy over this would be totally odious. 

It’s not the first time after their excellent adventure that Bill’s had nightmares about Ted dying like that. For a moment in real-time, he thought he’d truly lost Ted, lost the one person who knew him better than anyone else, lost his other half. Bill cringes at his mental wording and more tears slide down his cheeks. 

The ending of his nightmare, though, was new. Bill thinks it over, remembers his last words.  _ I love you, dude _ , he remembers thinking. It brings a feeling of cold dread settling in the pit of his stomach at the same time that his heart flutters. Briefly, he thinks about what Ted’s lips would feel like on his own but  _ warm _ this time before he catches himself. He feels sick all over again. 

_ This is wrong, so so wrong, _ he thinks. His breathing is ragged and heavy with tears and mucus. He wishes that Ted could be here for a moment before he realizes that he can never  _ ever _ tell his best friend about this. That feels wrong, too. Bill can’t remember anything in his life that he didn't share with Ted, even if sometimes it took a little bit for him to actually get it out. But this. He knows this is something he has to lock away deep inside him. He knows this is  _ wrong _ .

Part of him wishes it wasn't. That does him in. He runs down the hall and barely makes it to the bathroom before he loses his dinner.

——————

Bill doesn't say anything about it to Ted, just like he promised himself he wouldn't. Ted, for his part, doesn't seem to notice his friend’s internal conflict, readily believing Bill’s casual, “I slept most non-non-heinously, dude,” as the reason for his off demeanor. And he supposes it’s not like he really lied. It was most difficult to go back to bed after he’d barfed his guts up. 

He tries to act normally after that, really he does. But after the nightmare, he can’t help but notice things about his best friend. Like the way Ted’s smile brightens a whole room. Thinking about Ted’s smile makes Bill think about his lips which make him think about — He stops himself before that train of thought gets any further. 

He notices how often they seem to touch each other. He knew they were close, obviously, but before it had just been regular Bill-and-Ted stuff. Now Bill felt like he overanalyzes every brush against each other, every hand on a shoulder or elbow. He hopes Ted doesn't notice if he hesitates when the taller boy goes in for a casual touch. 

Sometimes, he looks over his shoulder during practice and sees Joanna sitting there at her drums and immediately feels immensely guilty. Technically, he's still dating her, but now that he's seeing through new eyes, it feels like they never really spent much time together even before Bill’s nightmare. They'd only kissed twice and never anything more than that. He wonders if she feels ignored, abandoned by the guy who was supposed to be there for her in this strange new world she was brought to and stuck in. Practice doesn't go very well on those days. 

Eventually, she says what both of them are thinking because as much as he wants to love her, he just can’t. They break off things between them peaceably, agreeing that they'd be better as friends than they would as lovers. Bill feels like a weight is lifted off of his shoulders. He wonders if it’s strange to feel so relieved and remembers the way Ted had been most bummed when he and Liz had decided not to see each other anymore. From what Ted had told him, Liz had wanted to focus on becoming her own person in this new era. The two of them are still good friends, but Bill starts to wonder if Ted ever really got over her. The thought chips at his heart a little. 

Bill pretends like he's sick for a few days and tells his dad and Missy not to let anyone see him if they stop by. He knows it’s shitty, but he  _ feels _ shitty anyway and there’s no one he can talk to about this and it hurts so so much. Missy brings him food when she realizes he’s not gonna leave his room unless it’s to get in the bathroom. She tells him that Ted’s stopped by a few times because of course he has. He already knows that anyway, because he’d ignored the rocks being chucked at his window the past couple of nights enough to make him feel incredibly guilty.

“He’s like a puppy,” Missy says once after bringing him some leftovers. “He looks lost without you. It’s only been a few days but I can tell he really misses you.”

Bill feels sick. He misses Ted, too. He misses Ted  _ so much _ , it feels like he's gonna crawl out of his skin. He misses Ted’s easy smiles and his lame jokes and being able to jam with him or talk about anything they could think of. 

Missy’s eyes go wide and she reaches out to rub at his shoulder sympathetically, and only then he realizes that he’s crying. It racks through his whole body and builds so much that he thinks he’ll never be happy again. He wants to calm down because he knows he’s probably worrying the shit out of Missy, but he just can’t stop.

The words sit uncomfortably in his brain and his lungs so finally,  _ finally, _ he puts them out for someone to hear. “I love him, Missy.”

Missy, for once, doesn't correct him, and she doesn't ask who he’s talking about because she  _ knows _ . Looking her in the eye, he realizes she's known the whole time and he can’t tell if that’s scarier than if she’d just found out. He lets out a pitiful laugh and wonders how many other people have noticed. Is this why Captain Logan hates him so much? he wonders.

“Bogus,” he says quietly, wiping tears and snot off on his comforter. Missy doesn't say anything. When he looks at her again, she reaches a hand out and he grabs it like he's a drowning man who needs a lifeline. Usually, it’s hard to forget that Missy is only four years older than him, but now as he lets her pull him into a hug, her hands gently resting in his curls and on his back, she's never felt more motherly. Bill lets himself savor her gentle warmth and loving acceptance, so grateful to just be held for a moment. 

Carefully, Missy finally pulls back but lets her hand linger on Bill’s. “Is this why you’ve been pretending to be sick?” she asks quietly. “I figured you were mad at him or something like that.”

“I  _ am  _ sick,” Bill retorts, drawing back into himself. He can see her about to speak but he cuts her off. “I am,” he says, laying down roughly. His eyebrows draw together angrily as he glares at the ceiling. “Sick in the head. Dudes aren't supposed to wanna be with other dudes. That’s what babes are for.” He feels something in him shudder at the words and tries to repeat them to himself mentally until he can make them sound okay. 

“Bill.” He doesn't move. Missy huffs. “William Stanley Preston, Esquire, you listen to me right now,” she says sternly. He's never heard her use his full name before, and the shock of that alone makes him sit upright immediately. “Loving someone is something that comes naturally,” she tells him. “It’s not your fault, and it isn't wrong.”

“But—”

She gives him the same look as when he forgets to call her Mom and says, “No buts. You're not sick, mentally or otherwise.” She slides her hand close to his and waits for him to hold it before continuing. “People can be mean, and try to tell you how you should live your life. I know some of the people around me gave me shit for marrying a man so much older than me.” Missy chuckles at Bill’s shocked face.

“Really?” She nods. “I— I guess I didn't really think about it,” he stammers out.

She pats his hand softly. “But I’m still here. They tried to make me feel like I was doing something wrong, but I don't feel wrong. And neither should you.” Bill opens his mouth, but Missy cuts him off. “I mean it. Love is a beautiful thing, not something you should be ashamed of.”

Missy’s little speech admittedly does make him feel a little better. He’s so grateful to her. He doesn't know what he would've done if he didn't have anyone at all on his side. He doesn't know how to say that, though, so he just asks, “What do I do now?”

Missy shrugs and gives him a small smile. “I think that part’s up to you, Bill.” She pats his hand again and stands up. Right before she hits the doorframe, she turns back. “Just don't let this ruin things between the two of you, okay? He’s still your best friend, honey. I don't think anything could change that.” 

Bill barely hears the door shut, losing himself to his thoughts. A weight feels like it’s been lifted off his chest due to Missy’s easy acceptance. He turns her parting words over in his brain a few times. Would Ted really be okay with his best friend liking dudes?  _ I don't really even have to tell him _ , Bill thinks. But keeping such a big part of himself from his most excellent of companions feels weird so he tosses that idea out. Besides, Bill figures, even if he does tell Ted he’s into dudes, it’s not like he has to tell Ted he loves him. Right? Right. 

——————— 

“What’s the matter, Theodore?”

Elizabeth’s voice snaps Ted out of his thoughts and he looks over at her, embarrassed. She gives him a small smile and reaches out for his hand. Ted sighs as their fingers intertwine. He’s glad they're still close enough friends that he can lean on her comforting touches when he needs to. Before he can say anything, Liz says, “Did something happen with you and Bill?”

Ted looks at her, surprise all over his face. “How’d you know?”

“You haven't mentioned him once today,” she answers, squeezing his hand. 

For a moment, Ted wonders just how much he normally talks about his best friend if not mentioning him was enough of a tell that something was wrong. But what was wrong? Ted groans and swipes his bangs out of his face as he goes back to the problem he’d been dwelling on for a few days now.

“I guess Bill’s like, sick which is totally odious, but every time I try to go talk to him, Missy tells me I can’t!” He shakes his head. “I don't get it, Lizzie.”

He feels Liz’s fingers gently push his hair back into place as she says, “Well, isn’t that normal? I’m sure Missy and Bill wouldn't want you to get sick as well.”

“But we  _ always _ hang when we get sick!” he whines. “Being sick is bogus and totally lonely, so we’d go and give each other whatever classwork we missed and then hang out till we had to leave.” He sighs and leans his head back on the couch until he’s staring up at the ceiling. “He doesn't even answer calls. That is most strange, right?” he asks. “I even tried throwing rocks at his window, but he never opens up.” He sighs and pulls his hand out of Liz’s grasp to bury his face in it. “I just wish I knew why he won't see me.”

Elizabeth leans close enough that he can smell her perfume and rubs soothingly over his back. Ted drops his hand from his face and leans into her comforting presence. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Joanna quietly moving around in the girls’ small kitchen, which gives him an idea. “Jo, have you talked to Bill since he’s been sick?” he asks hopefully.

Joanna looks at him for a moment with a confused expression. “No, I haven't,” she says after a moment. “I'm not sure why you're asking, Theodore. If William won't talk to  _ you _ , I can’t imagine he’d speak with me.”

Ted’s eyebrows draw together as he thinks over her words. “But, you're his girlfriend?” he says. “Of course he’d talk to you, dude.”

Liz and Jo give each other a startled glance, and Ted feels like he’s missed something really important. He tries to think over Joanna’s words again to see if he missed part of her meaning when she says, “Theodore, William and I broke up a few weeks ago.”

“What?” He startles so hard Liz’s hand falls off of his back. “No. No way!” They have to be kidding, he thinks. They’ve gotta be messing with him. Because if they aren't that means… that means Bill didn't tell him about it. 

“Yes way,” Jo says softly. “I didn't realize you didn't know, I thought he would've told you.”

Her words send a pang through Ted’s heart. “Yeah, so did I.” Ted’s hands flex a few times where he’s got them braced on his knees before he stands up and moves to grab his coat. “I gotta go, guys, sorry.”

Liz brushes her fingers against the back of his hand and he stops to look at her. She smiles sweetly at him and Ted is so thankful for her, so grateful that she understands so much more than other people would. “Go talk with him,” she says quietly. She hands him his keys from where he’d left them on their coffee table and both women send him off with a wave. 

Ted just stands outside of their apartment for a moment, not really having a plan for what to do. Bill was always the one who made plans between them, Ted more content to follow rather than lead. And Ted knows himself well enough to be able to say that Bill was definitely the smarter of the two of them. 

The walk from the girls’ door down to the parking garage gives him some time to throw some ideas around. Clearly he needed to get Bill to talk to him, but how? Missy had already made it clear she most definitely wasn't going to let him in the front door so he mentally crossed that option off. Bill wasn't coming to the phone so he crossed that off, too. He could go back to throwing rocks at Bill’s window, but any attempts at that had already failed. By the time Ted had reached the Wyld Stallyns van, he figured he was all out of ideas.

Driving took most of Ted’s focus — he’d found that out quickly after driving his bandmates around the first time, too many distractions almost making him run into a ditch — so he pushes thoughts of Bill to the side as best as he can as he tears out of the garage in the direction of his best friend’s house.

———————————————

Missy had just turned off the television and is all set to go upstairs to bed when she hears a knock on the door. Glancing at the clock shows the time to be nearly 10 pm, and she wonders who would come around so late. As a precaution, she picks up the umbrella next to the door before looking out of the peephole. 

She sighs with relief and puts the umbrella back in its holder as she opens the door. “Ted, you had me worried for a minute there!” she greets the boy. Ted startles like he hadn't actually expected anyone to open the door before giving Missy a shy smile. “It’s kind of late, what are you doing here?”

“My most sincere apologies, Missy, I totally didn't realize what time it was,” he replies. “But, uh.” He shuffles around for a moment, and Missy doesn't miss the way he tenses all over before he speaks again. “I know Bill is sick and I’m not supposed to see him, but I need to speak to him most urgently.”

Missy looks over the boy standing out in the cold October air and thinks of the other boy sitting upstairs and the talk she’d had with him earlier in the evening. She must be quiet for too long because Ted starts shuffling away from the door like he doesn't really want to leave but knows he has to. Missy stops him with a gentle hand on his arm and gives him a smile. “He’s in his room,” she finally says, nodding her head behind her somewhere and moving back from the doorjamb.

Ted gives her a wide-eyed look of shock before it morphs into what she likes to call a puppy-dog smile and practically leaps into the Preston household. Before he can make it too far into their living room, Missy stops him. Ted looks over his shoulder at her with his eyes wide. “Bill’s feeling a little sensitive right now,” she starts.

Ted nods solemnly, having his own memories of the sucky feeling right before you stop being sick. “He must be almost over being sick then?” he asks politely.

Missy shakes her head and wraps her arms around herself, stating with a sad voice, “He wasn't sick.”

She says something else, but Ted doesn't catch it over the warning alarms going off in his ear. First Bill didn't tell him that he and Jo had broken up and now he’s lying about being sick?  _ Did he just… not want to see me? _ Ted thinks, crestfallen.  _ Does he not want to be friends anymore? No way. No way. _

Missy says something to him and gives him a strange look, but he can’t hear her over the rush of anxiety welling up inside. He does feel her small hand on the middle of his back pushing him in the direction of the stairs, so clearly she’s decided against going with whatever Bill’s plan had been. He feels like he’s stumbling as he climbs the stairs, and he doesn't dare look down at Missy in case she gives him that weird look again. 

Ted’s always been the more emotional of the two, and he feels like he’s about to start crying the closer he gets to Bill’s door. He wonders if Bill will turn him out or tell him that he doesn't want to be Ted’s friend anymore. Ted can’t imagine what’s brought this sudden divide between them on, but he feels it like a physical crack right down the middle of his soul. 

Standing in front of Bill’s door makes him feel awkward in the Preston residence in a way he hasn’t since right after Bill’s mom had left when they were 10 and Ted’s bouncy energy had felt majorly out of place in the sad household. For the first time in their whole friendship, he doesn't really know how to proceed. Usually, he’d just walk right in but now he wonders if he should knock. 

No, he decides, that would be most atypical of him.

He’s not really prepared for how dark it is in the room, the moonlight from Bill’s open blinds being the only source of light. He suddenly remembers Missy telling him how late it is and feels like a total doofus.

“Bill?” he whispers into the darkness. There’s no response.  _ Ted, you bonehead _ , he thinks. He stands in the middle of Bill’s room for a moment, not really sure what to do next. He feels most ridiculous just leaving after Missy already let him in, but waking Bill up seems like a dick move as well. Feeling around in the dark helps him find the end of Bill’s bed, leading to the small trampoline off to the side. He sits on it as quietly as he can, not knowing what else he should do. He can just barely make out Bill’s form in the dark, his friend sleeping peacefully. Ted shifts uncomfortably and diverts his gaze. Looking at Bill was one thing but watching the other boy while he slept was something else entirely. 

Ted finally decides that if he can’t leave and he can’t wake Bill up, he might as well just settle in and get comfortable for the night. He doesn't have any sleep clothes and he knows his dad is gonna be pissed that he didn't come home, but he doesn't care about that right now. All he cares about is figuring out if he and Bill are gonna be okay. 

He hopes Bill isn't gonna be mad at him for pretty much breaking into his room in the middle of the night. Ted tries to shift around as quietly as possible to find any sort of comfort on the tiny trampoline, but he quickly realizes that is most definitely not going to happen. Bill always did say he was too tall.

Ted begins the process of trying to move himself down to lay on the floor when he hears Bill softly call his name. Ted’s joints lock immediately and he holds his breath. There’s a rustling movement coming from the bed and Ted wonders what he's supposed to do once he's been caught. But a light never comes on so he whispers back, “Bill?”

Bill doesn't answer, but his breathing catches in his throat and Ted can hear him move around in bed some more before resettling. A silence falls over the room and Ted lets out the breath he’d been holding. He starts back on his original plan and makes it to the uncomfortable floor without another incident. Ted’s not really sure that this is better than the mini-trampoline but at least he can stretch all the way out. He drapes his jacket over himself like a blanket and curls his arms under his head for a weak attempt at a pillow. 

It’s hard to fall asleep under such conditions so he doesn’t miss when Bill starts shifting around again. Ted goes tense for a moment and thinks about how strange a situation he’s gotten himself into. 

His breath catches when he hears Bill’s soft “Ted?” break through the dark. Ted can feel his face scrunch up in confusion. Bill’s voice sounded… pained almost.  _ Maybe he’s having a nightmare? _ Ted tries not to think about the implications of Bill having a nightmare about him. Ted slowly scoots closer to the side of the bed until he can sit up and be almost face to face with the other boy. He can’t really see Bill’s face, but he's still flustered just being so close to him. Bill makes a sad sound in his sleep and the blankets rustle where he squirms around. 

Ted takes a deep breath and slowly reaches a hand across the sheets, blindly feeling for the other boy. His fingers barely brush skin when Bill shoots up, startling him so much that he falls backward and lands with a loud thump against the floor. He scrambles to sit back up and move farther away so it doesn't look like he was doing anything weird. Bill’s breathing is shaky and Ted thinks he hears a “what the fuck?” before the light on Bill’s headboard flicks on. 

“Ted?” 

He squints up at Bill and can’t help but take in the other boy’s ruffled curls and heaving breaths. He’s quiet for far too long, but eventually all he can manage is a “Hey, dude.”

Bill squints back at him. Very slowly, he reaches a hand out in Ted’s direction. “Are you real?” he asks softly.

The question takes a moment to process in Ted’s mind, and it leaves him reeling. “The realest,” he whispers back. Shuffling forward, he meets Bill’s shaky outstretched hand with his own, and he wonders when he started to shake too. They're not really holding hands, just pressing their palms against each other. Bill sighs wearily and drops his hand in his lap. Ted registers the lack of contact a moment later than he should have and pulls his own hand back awkwardly.

“What are you doing here, dude?” Bill asks, not looking at him.

Ted feels a hot shame rush through him, tinting his ears and face red. It only now hits him that he’d rushed over to his best friend’s home unannounced at 10pm and sat in said best friend’s room in the dark until he woke up to make sure that they were still friends. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to come up with something to say that would make this less weird. It takes Bill huffing and finally looking at him for him to say, “You lied to me.”

Bill’s eyes widen. “No way!”

“Yes way!” he objects. Ted knows he’s about to word vomit because he hasn’t had enough time to think, but he doesn't want Bill to start talking without hearing what he needs to say. “Missy just told me you weren’t even sick which means you were totally avoiding me on purpose.  _ And  _ you didn't even tell me you and Joanna broke up, and Jo said that was like weeks ago. Plus you’ve been acting most atypically for like two whole months now.”

“Ted—”

“Are we— Do you not want to be my friend anymore?” Ted asks. He looks down at his shaking hands and clenches them into fists. “Did I do something wrong?” His voice comes out as barely a whisper, and he feels like he’s about to cry. 

“Dude… Ted…” Ted doesn't look at him, too afraid of looking at the other boy and seeing the rejection he thinks is waiting there. He hears Bill sigh and shuffle around before he drops down from the bed and nearly into Ted’s lap. Ted finally looks at him, startled by the sudden closeness, and tears well up in his eyes from relief. There’s no anger or annoyance on Bill’s face, only sadness and concern. “You didn't do anything wrong,” Bill mumbles eventually. His gaze moves down to Ted’s hands where they're still balled into fists, and he gently covers them with his own. 

Ted immediately feels the tension drain out of his body. His fingers uncurl and Bill laces their fingers together. There’s so much going on that he doesn't understand, but he lets that all fall away just to exist in this moment with his best friend. The silence stretches out between them for a long moment, long enough that Ted wonders if Bill will say anything else. Ted almost starts to speak when Bill beats him to it.

“I've been having some most odious nightmares,” he starts softly, confirming Ted’s thoughts from earlier in the night. 

“About what?” Ted whispers back. He’s not entirely sure how this conversation is going to lead to the whole Bill avoiding him thing, but his concern for Bill overrides any other worry for the moment.

“You, dude,” Bill answers. Ted blinks at him, clearly not expecting that answer. He sighs. “I keep dreaming about—” He breaks off suddenly and looks at their joined hands. His voice cracks when he says, “You  _ died _ , Ted.”

Ted squeezes Bill’s smaller hands. “But I didn’t, Bill. I'm right here.”

“I didn’t know that!” Bill snaps, his gaze locking back on Ted’s face. His expression softens at the tender look on the taller boy’s face. Leaning his head on their joined hands, he mumbles, “I didn't know that.”

Ted gazes down at Bill’s unruly curls. For Ted, the whole debacle hadn't been too big of a deal. Like he’d told Bill, he’d simply fallen out of his armor on the way down the stairs and ran to hide when he’d noticed guards had been alerted. Then, he’d come back just in time to save Bill from dying most nontriumphantly. In all truth, his mind tends to linger more on the almost-execution period of their medieval journey. He hadn’t realized how difficult it must've been for Bill.

“I'm sorry,” he manages after a moment, voice barely a whisper. “Why didn't you say anything?” He doesn't really know what he would've actually done if Bill had told him, but knowing that his friend had been silently suffering broke his heart. 

Ted wishes Bill would just look at him, but he doesn't lift his head when he replies just as quietly, “You remember after I realized you were alive, and we hugged?” 

Ted nods vigorously before remembering the other boy isn't looking at him. “Yeah, of course, my friend.”

“And the thing we said after?”

Ted blinks. “Oh, you mean—”

“Don't say it.”

Ted shuts his mouth so quickly his teeth clack together. As far as Ted’s aware, Bill’s never had an issue jokingly throwing that word around with him before. Of course, kids at school had used the word hatefully against both of them over the years, but it hadn't seemed to bother Bill. He wonders what’s changed.

“I don't understand, dude,” he says after a moment. “Are you upset because I called you a—” Ted catches himself before amending what he was about to say, “uh, the f word?”

Bill finally,  _ finally _ , sits back up. His cheeks are red and he looks like he's about to cry. He takes a deep breath and blurts out, “I'm upset because I  _ am _ one, Ted.” He wrenches his hands out of Ted’s loose grasp and digs his palms into his eyes. “I’m a homo, dude! I'm a homo!”

Ted sits there frozen, fingers twitching, not registering the loss right away. He blinks a few times and slowly pulls his hands back toward his sides. Bill’s still half in his lap and he wonders if maybe he should be freaking out about a gay dude being so close to him. He might, like, catch the gay or whatever those PSAs they made him watch in health class went on about. 

But Bill’s breath catches a few times and he rakes his hands across his face, and Ted hasn’t seen Bill cry since they were 13 years old and Bill broke his foot, but he  _ knows _ the signs. The empty hands that had retracted uselessly to his sides moments ago reach out again, touching and pulling and  _ holding _ until Bill is all the way in his lap. His arms wrap around the smaller boy, and Bill sobs, bunching up his shirt in his fists and burying his face in Ted’s shoulder. Distantly, Ted can feel his shoulder getting wet, but he can’t focus on that. 

Bill is basically vibrating against Ted’s chest from how hard he’s shaking, and it occurs to him that Bill is completely terrified. Ted’s breath comes out shakily and his grip tightens slightly. He thinks about Captain Logan in that moment, the way the man is always ready to pounce on any vulnerability Ted lets slip. He thinks about his father calling him every insult under the sun, including that word that Bill doesn't want to hear, and how he’s always had to stand there and take it. He thinks of the way his whole body locks up when Captain Logan demands that they need to talk, and the way he tries not to shake in fear under the man’s harsh and watchful eyes. He wonders if that’s how he’s made Bill feel and his stomach heaves at the thought. 

He feels the apology stumble out of his mouth before he really has time to think about it and it’s like the floodgates have opened. Suddenly, he’s crying too and gripping onto Bill for dear life. Ted has never wanted to hurt anyone, even the people that hurt him first, and the very idea that he caused  _ Bill  _ so much pain, that he made Bill  _ afraid _ of him makes him feel unworthy to even be in the other boy’s presence. He feels like he should be kneeling at Bill’s feet, begging for forgiveness he knows he doesn’t deserve, but Bill doesn't seem like he’s ready to move from where he’s wrapped around Ted anytime soon. 

Ted can hear a voice apologizing over and over and only belatedly realizes that it’s him. He can feel Bill start to pull away from his hiding spot in Ted’s shoulder, and he grips the smaller boy tighter, trying to hold him in place. He doesn't know if he can stand to have Bill’s wide, fearful eyes turned on him now. But Bill moves against his hands with just a bit more force, and who is Ted to deny him anything after what he’s already done?

Bill’s face is blotchy and wet and his eyes are droopy and red when Ted gets a look at him. His eyebrows are knitted together in clear confusion and he wipes his thumb against one of the tear tracks on Ted’s face. “Why are  _ you _ sorry, dude? I’m—” his voice breaks off behind a quiet sob before continuing “—I’m the freak here, I should be apologizing to you.”

Ted shakes his head vigorously. “No way, man. You're my best, most resplendent friend, and I made you feel, like, afraid to tell me something totally important. That’s  _ most  _ egregious of me, and you deserve my sincerest apologies.”

“So, you're not mad that I like dudes, dude?” Bill asks quietly. 

Ted doesn't hesitate when he replies, “Of course not, dude!” His hands squeeze Bill’s waist as the other boy sniffles softly and wipes his tears. “Bill, you are the most excellent friend anyone could ask for, and I want you to be happy. If dudes are what make you happy, then it would be totally heinous of me to be upset about it.”

Bill’s ears are burning when he shyly looks up at the other boy and gives him a small grin. “Thanks, Ted, my friend.” 

“Of course, Bill, my friend.”

The two sit quietly together for a moment longer before Bill finally shifts backward and unwraps himself from Ted. “You should go grab the air mattress if you plan to stay, dude.” Ted nods and stands, pulling the other boy up with him. Bill crawls into bed, and Ted lets his eyes linger on him before he turns to meander down to the garage. 

Returning to Bill’s room, he finds the other boy passed out and a lump of clean clothes stacked haphazardly on Ted’s jacket. He looks at Bill for a moment before that funny feeling comes back and makes him look away again. 

He changes into the sleepwear Bill left out for him and pumps the mattress up as quietly as possible, knowing of Bill’s tendency to be a light sleeper. The clothes don't fit quite right—Ted’s always been just a bit too tall for that—but they're warm and smell better than they have any right to be considering the pigsty that is Bill’s bedroom.

Ted settles in at Bill’s bedside, feeling a left-over tenderness and warmth. It doesn't take long for him to slip soundly into sleep, a huge grin covering his face. 

————————————————— 

They don't really talk about it again after that night.

Ted figures they don't really need to. It just becomes another piece of information about his friend that he tucks away with the other Bill-tidbits he’s collected over the years. It doesn't change anything. He’s still Ted and Bill’s still Bill and they're still BillandTed. 

He does have questions, of course he does. But this is something brand new for both of them, and he's not quite sure where the boundary line is. He’s not sure what’s appropriate to ask and what’s not. 

During a jam session with all four Wyld Stallyns present, he wonders if Joanna knows. If that's why they broke up, and why Bill didn't tell him about it. He watches her and Bill chat quietly about what rhymes better with this or that and tries to see if they act any different than they normally do together. Liz pushes his shoulder gently when she catches him staring. His ears turn red, and he goes back to plucking at his guitar restlessly. He wonders if Liz knows, too. If that’s the reason behind the look they’d shared that night before Jo had gently broken the news. 

When the girls leave with their filled notebooks, Ted keeps plucking out soft melodies. He can hear Bill moving around the garage, probably tidying up a little bit. Ted finally zones back in when he sees Bill’s beat up chucks land in front of him. He flicks his hair out of his face as he looks up at the other boy. 

Bill’s expression is one of concern, and Ted thinks he must have been so zoned out that he missed whatever Bill had said. “Sorry, dude, what’s up?”

“You were totally spaced, my friend. Everything okay?”

He wonders if Bill knows, if Bill’s giving him an opening to ask what he wants to know. Bill doesn't seem anything but sincere, so Ted blurts out “Do the babes know you like dudes?” before he can stop himself. 

Bill gives him a wide-eyed look and blushes. Ted’s already in the process of mentally kicking himself when Bill stumbles out, “Uh, no, why?”

Ted just shakes his head and looks down at the guitar he’s still strumming absentmindedly. He’s grateful for his long hair in moments like this because it hides his face which he’s sure has turned bright red. “Nothing, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” He gives himself another mental kick, just for good measure.

“I don't mind if you ask me stuff, dude,” Bill mumbles after a moment. He’s chewing on his nail when Ted looks at him. “Your question was most unexpected, that’s all.” 

Ted gently wraps his fingers around Bill’s forearm and pulls his hand away from his face. Bill smiles gratefully at him. Ted shoots him a shy smile in return. “I was unsure if I was allowed to ask,” he says quietly. “It would be most egregious if I were to accidentally make you uncomfortable with an unrighteous inquiry.”

Bill laughs a little bit and shoves at the taller boy’s shoulder. “Ted, you bonehead, you couldn't make me uncomfortable. It’s not like you're asking stuff to be mean. You just don't know.” He shrugs and gives Ted a lopsided smile. “‘The only true wisdom consists of knowing you know nothing.’” Ted giggles at the familiar quote. Bill plops down in front of him on the cold garage floor and says, “Ask me whatever, dude!”

“I was just wondering if that’s why you and Jo broke up,” he replies. 

Bill looks at him thoughtfully for a moment, biting at his bottom lip. Just when Ted’s about to rush to take it back, Bill says, “Jo is a most bodacious babe. But no matter what I did, I just never really felt like I loved her, you know?” He sighs and shrugs. “I never told her, but babes are  _ most _ perceptive about that kind of thing, so they both might know already.” Ted can’t stop himself from sighing with relief. A confused look passes over Bill’s face before it’s replaced with an understanding one. “Dude, I wouldn't have told them before I told you.”

“Sorry,” Ted mumbles. He looks away, embarrassed at having been seen through so easily. Truthfully, the idea that he had been the last to be told had been weighing on him most heavily. Not that the girls shouldn’t know or anything, but he’s Bill’s best friend. 

Bill shakes his head with a smile. “Don't worry about it. Did you have other questions, my esteemed colleague?”

Ted takes a deep breath, psyching himself up to ask and hoping that this isn't where he crosses the line. “How did you know?” Bill’s blush comes back full force, and Ted grimaces.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid! _ “You don't have to answer that! I shouldn’t have said any—” 

“There’s a dude.”

Ted’s cut off apology catches in his throat. “W-What?”

“There  _ was  _ a dude, I mean!” Bill rushes to clarify. “There, uh, there  _ was  _ a dude I thought was pretty bodacious, but I know he’s not like that so I never said anything.” Ted’s eyes have a glazed-over, far away look to them where he’s staring over Bill’s shoulder. He cranes his neck up so he’s in Ted’s direct sightline, but the other boy’s expression doesn't change. “Ted?” No reply. “Ted, you're freaking me out here, dude.”

Bill finally resorts to flicking the other boy on the nose after a long moment of silence. Ted startles and his gaze locks with Bill’s. “Sorry, dude, I totally spaced again.” Bill starts to say it’s fine, maybe ask if something’s wrong, when Ted looks down at his watch. Standing up quickly, he puts his guitar down on its rack and scrambles around to get his stuff. “I totally forgot I was supposed to make dinner tonight, my dad’s gonna be home in half an hour.” 

Bill’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Ted, dude, you are a most  _ odious  _ chef.”

Ted looks up from where he’s rummaging through his backpack wide-eyed. “Uh, yeah, my dad wants me to learn more responsibility so he’s making me make dinner in order to learn how to cook.”

“That doesn't make sense.”

“Yeah, well,” Ted mumbles, “you know how he is. Nothing he says makes any sense to me.”

Bill nods solemnly. “Yeah, what a dickweed.”

Deciding he’s got everything he needs, Ted swings his backpack over his shoulder and practically sprints out of Bill’s open garage. Bill barely catches the “Catch you later, Bill!” that Ted calls out over his shoulder.

The other boy’s already too far gone to hear the soft reply of “Catch you later, Ted,” but Bill says it anyway. Bill sighs and drops his head into his hands. Somehow, he feels like that conversation could've gone much better. Ted wouldn't lie to him so he’s sure it was just a coincidence that he had to leave right after Bill told him he liked a boy. He’s sure Ted hadn't been able to catch his slip up.

That’s what he tells himself, anyway.

——————————————

Elizabeth and Joanna let out matching screams as their apartment door flies open and bangs against the wall. Jo is already halfway to grabbing the table lamp next to the couch to use as a makeshift weapon when she hears her sister yell, “Theodore!”

Sure enough, there stands Ted, looking disheveled and panting like he’d ran a marathon. Jo and Liz send each other concerned glances before Liz gets up and gently shuts the door. She leads Ted to the couch as he tries to catch his breath.

“I need to ask you guys something really important,” he finally says between breaths. 

The princesses share another worried glance. “Of course, Theodore, you know you can always talk to us,” Jo says softly. Both girls take one of his hands in their own, Liz lacing their fingers together while Jo brushes her thumb across his knuckles. 

Ted almost starts telling them of what happened after they left Bill’s, but he stops himself when he remembers what the other boy had told him. Bill had said he hadn't told either of the girls yet, so it would be totally heinous of Ted to spill the beans before Bill was ready. 

He thinks deeply for a moment and settles on, “So Deacon’s got this friend.” The princesses’ matching concerned expressions don't falter so he pushes on. “His friend told him that he likes dudes, and Deacon has been most understanding.” Ted stops to let the girls absorb that. 

“So what seems to be the issue, then?” Jo presses.

The lie comes out a little easier now that Ted knows the girls are on board with it. “Well, Deacon told me his friend said he had a crush on a totally bodacious dude. This has made Deacon feel…  _ most _ atypical.”

“So Deacon isn't as understanding as he thought?” Liz concludes.

Ted shakes his head, sending his hair whipping around his face. “No, I don't think it’s that. He said that he didn't care about his friend being gay until he mentioned the other guy.” He looks between them helplessly. “I don't know enough about this kind of thing, but you guys read lots of books and stuff, so I thought maybe you’d have some advice?” After a beat, he adds, “For Deacon, I mean.”

Liz stays silent as a thoughtful expression crosses her face. Jo, on the other hand, already has her answer ready and says, "It sounds like he's jealous." Liz deliberates for a moment then nods in agreement. 

Ted thinks he's losing his mind. "What do you mean?"

Jo shrugs. "Well, you said Deacon was fine with the idea of his friend being gay, right? It's only when you factor in his friend's crush that he has a problem. Maybe he's not as fine with it as he thinks he is.  _ Or _ maybe he just doesn't want to picture his friend with a boy that's not him." 

It's a good explanation, Ted thinks. If he were really here to ask for advice on behalf of his baby bro, he's sure this would've helped immensely. However, since he hadn't ran halfway across town for brotherly advice, he starts freaking out a bit.

"No way!" he disagrees. "Deacon totally likes chicks! He can't like dudes!"

"Why not?" 

Ted's thought process crashes to a halt. "Uh," he starts intelligently. "Because he likes babes," he repeats after a moment. "You can't like babes  _ and _ dudes."

"Sure you can!" argues Liz. At Ted's shocked face, she continues, "Just last week I was reading a publication about those who identify as 'bisexual'. It was incredibly enlightening."

“Bisexual?”

Liz nods excitedly. “Yes. The publication was very informative. It spoke on how many people feel that one should choose either a heterosexual lifestyle or a homosexual lifestyle with no regard for those who identify as bisexual. ‘Monosexuality is a heterosexist dictate used to oppress homosexuals and to negate the validity of bisexuality.’”

Ted doesn't know what half of those words mean, but he nods slowly like he does anyway. Jo rolls her eyes and gives Ted’s hand a light tap. “What my sister is trying to say is that while people may think one has to either be attracted to one sex or the other, it’s completely fine to be attracted to both men and women.”

“Woah… This is some pretty heavy information you've bestowed upon me, babes.” 

Jo and Liz don't say anything, letting him find comfort in their touch as he mulls over their words. He knows that they still think they're talking about Deacon, but it warms him that they give such easy acceptance. Ted mentally reviews their advice and tries to apply it to himself. He tries to compare how he’d felt about Liz and how he thinks about Bill and comes up short.

He sighs, frustrated. “But babes, I—Deacon can’t like his friend.” He hopes the girls didn't notice his slip up and tries to think of how to convey his thoughts into this Deacon lie. He lands on, “He’s been telling me about a totally stellar girl that has caught his eye recently. He’s super into her. I'm sure he doesn't feel the same way about his friend as he does about her.” 

“Maybe he's not as into her as he thinks?” Joanna supplies. The idea makes Ted’s blood go cold.

“Yes, that’s very possible!” Liz agrees, completely oblivious to Ted’s internal panic. “In a different article I was reading, they said that since the idea of bisexualism can be shocking to people brought up on foundations of monosexualism, some may try to claim that they only have an attraction for the opposite sex since that's seen as the ‘normal’. Deacon could possibly be projecting emotions onto the girl he says he likes instead of dealing with his internalized issues.”

Ted feels like he’s been sucker-punched in the throat. He stutters and replies, “Or maybe you guys are wrong and Deacon doesn't like dudes.” He’s not sure if he's trying to convince them or himself anymore.

Liz nods. “Maybe. But then we come back to the idea that Deacon isn't as understanding as he’d like to believe.” 

Ted sighs. “Bogus.”

They must've gone wrong somewhere, Ted thinks. He had loved Liz when they were together, he’s sure of it! He certainly feels different about her than any other babe he’d gone for. Not that he’d ever actually dated a babe before Liz, so there wasn't much to compare to, but still. He totally, most  _ definitely  _ doesn't feel the same about Bill as he does about Liz.

Eventually, he says, “Princesses, you've given me much to think about. I think I should go home and talk to Deacon.” 

It’s an easy out and he knows it. He knows that he’ll really just go home and pretend this conversation never happened, but he can’t just  _ say  _ that. The girls nod and give him sympathetic smiles. 

They walk him to the door and give him goodbye hugs. He holds Liz a beat longer and desperately tries to think about how pretty she is, how soft she feels, how nice she smells, anything other than the idea that he didn't really love her as much as he thought he did.

He walks home and tries not to have a full-on breakdown on the sidewalk.

**Author's Note:**

> u can find me on tumblr [@dyketedlogan](https://dyketedlogan.tumblr.com)


End file.
